Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
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She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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