you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
