You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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