I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
