He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
