i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
