he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
this hospital has no fireball
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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