Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
