My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
