I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
