I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my being single is dangerous.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
