What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
