So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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