Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
