I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
