So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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