I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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