True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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