Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
