my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
