i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
