also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
