Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
