she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
this beer tastes like vomit already
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
