today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
