Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
