Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
