She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
