theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i came on her dog
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
