I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I faked an abortion last night.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
