I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Farmville is her only friend.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
