Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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