Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
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I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
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Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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