She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
