The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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