just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
