just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
