i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
