never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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