the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
