New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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