If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
