I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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