In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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