so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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