One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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