New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
