Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
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I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
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Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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