Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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