Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
