The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
