i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
In America we eat man semen.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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