I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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